At the heart of the plight of fathers

Christina Labelle

Geneviève Pettersen

Saturday, 14 October, 2017 08:45

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Saturday, 14 October, 2017 08:45

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It is autumn and children playing on the ground littered with dead leaves from the community centre in Ahuntsic. Inside the historic building of the fathers in distress gathered to share. I climb the wooden staircase that leads to the Cue, a body helping them for over twenty years.

Louis, a young social worker in his thirties, explains to the guys seated around a large oval table that I am here to hear their stories. He addresses them as if he was their chum of guy. They were warned of my presence and they came in large numbers. More numerous than usual, it seems. “They have a lot of things to tell. They feel for the most part a deep sense of injustice”, explained Louis shortly before the meeting.

Louis has ordered pizza for everyone. The atmosphere is so relaxed that it feels like an evening of poker between boys. While it distributes tips all dressed, I explained what that brings me. In the wake of the case of Ugo Fredette, the man who has kidnapped his son and murdered his ex-spouse recently, I’ve been wanting to hear fathers voice on the distress experienced by some men after a separation. Immediately, the tension mounts in the room. It is a delicate subject. The guys turn it off, look at each other. Nobody seems to want to break the ice.

Mathieu*, a glazier in the early fifties, throws, finally, to the water. “When a woman does that, it speaks immediately of her as a victim,” he says, tapping your foot nervously. “We never talk about the plight of fathers. I find it deplorable that they depict always the guys as aggressors and violent. We can never be victims, and we are always the instigators, those who abuse so that we can also be victims of violence and abuse. In the media, we hear all the time stories of fathers who beat, violentent and kill. But the reverse is not covered.” The other opinent. “Me, I tell myself that it (Ugo Fredette) has passed to side to get help,” says Philippe, a tall, brown-haired engineer. François, a French established in Quebec for more than 10 years, disagreed with. “The lack of resources for fathers does not help, but it is up to the father to go in search of help. At any given time, you must put your pride under the carpet and find resources.”

This is what Francis did by calling in Reference to a result of the separation rough. Completely disoriented, he first went to his local CLSC. There, it directs them to a number of resources for its children. But no one offers him anything to help him. “I found Mark through my own means”. Saying a victim of physical and psychological violence from her ex-spouse, he was found with the support group the listening he needed. “I had 2 young children in my care. I had to break down somewhere. My family lives in France and I didn’t want all the time picked on all the time my friends with it.

The ex-spouse of Francis would have done see all the colors. Hit by a ban on approaching closer than 100 metres to the family home, she would have harassed the children and him, for months. “It was parked at 102 meters from the house and called her every 10 minutes for the children to come to him to bring to eat. She also wanted to toilet paper. She wanted my children to accompany him in the wood for its needs. It was also used for sessions of cutting a photo with them. They had to remove dad on all the photos. It was hell. There were 21 police interventions, she has been painting graffiti on the house. My children are traumatized from it.”

In addition to psychological violence and harassment to which he would have been the subject, Francis had to struggle with the DPJ, and judicial proceedings costly. “I went bankrupt after three years because the costs of a lawyer and all I had to pay came to the end of me. I try in spite of everything never to denigrate the mother of my children.”, he said, fixing his Adidas white.

Christina Labelle

On the six fathers present, five have been in trouble with the DYP. Accused of violence and sexual assault, Mathieu has a lot to say about the violence to which he was subjected during more than a decade. In his case, court proceedings lasted for 11 years. He has done several bankruptcies and is currently serving a prison sentence for these crimes that he claims not to have committed. He denounces this impression not to be taken seriously when a man says she is the victim of domestic violence. “Once I called the police. It struck me while I was trying to call. I had a black eye, I had blood. The police laughed at me on the phone.”

Sylvain, separated since 2 years, has been referred to Marks by the DYP. His ex accused him of sexual assault. “I saw my daughter under the supervision of an hour. Worse, little by little, they let me see her any more. In the month of August this year, the DYP withdrew from the case. I have proven somehow my parenting skills. Now, I have shared custody. I have always maintained that the sexual assault had not occurred. My daughter invented it because she was a victim of parental alienation.”

Christina Labelle

The father, parent B ?

For the men gathered in the room, it is clear that the system favours mothers. “The myth that all women are good mothers, we have a lot our headphones. We constantly feel like the parent B”, argue they. “But it is also due to the fact that many men do not take their place,” says Francis.

Mathieu has had enough of this image of a bad father who abandons his children. “I am sensitive, emotional, and I meditate. I like to eat well, I know the health food and vegetarian cuisine. And I’m not an extra-terrestrial. Men like that, there are plenty of. Should stop thinking that we are all morons. I’m tired of it.”

“Ben me, I have abandoned my daughter for 15 years,” says Benedict, a property manager, physically imposing, which also works to restore. “I was verbally abusive, psychologically and physically. For example, my ex is garochait on me with a subject to let me smash on the head and I pognais throat to lean against a wall. But I’ve never beaten and I am proud to say it. However, I didn’t like the way I was becoming. I have digressed because I felt that I was becoming dangerous.“

Olivier works in the area of delivery and only sees her daughter as an end of week two. This is the only father who is present and has no encounter with the DYP. His ex has moved tens of kilometres away from his home, making it impossible for the shared custody that he would like to get. “I think that there should be a law to prevent separated parents from moving away from one another. My daughter is like a child ghost. When I fold his little clothes on Sunday, it’s surreal. But I accept it. I tell myself that for the moment it is like that. When she comes home, I’ll deal with it as best as I can. I ask him if it’s going well at the school, if it’s going well at her mother’s home, what they did the weekend before. I will inform you sé. But I’m never taken into consideration in the decisions of my ex in relation to it.”

Philippe claims he never laid a hand on his ex, or to have been violent psychologically with it. When the latter took refuge in a shelter for women after their separation, he was taken aback. “There is no perch held out to the fathers who don’t know what to do,” said Philip, who lives as a failure not to see his children more often. He sees when even 37% of the time, which arouses the envy around the table.

Christina Labelle

“You’re a Guy Turcotte”

The fathers who participate in the discussion have two things in common : they want more than anything to maintain the bond with their children and have the impression of not being taken seriously by the system. “When I talk with the DPJ, I have the impression not to be believed. I’ve never done parental alienation, but I suffered. I have been in prison because of it. I had to confess to a crime I had not committed. I’m a sensitive guy. But it seems that a father, it does not have the right to be sensitive. It is all of the disgusting ready-to-kill”, rage Francis.

Tempers flare and Benoit says “psychological abuse of women often leads to physical violence from men. If you put the switch to off, if you shoots not, you can lose control. It takes resources. Worse when you don’t, you take a path that you’re not supposed to take”. Philippe intervenes. He finds that Benoit is going too far. “The one is not the cause of the other. But often we guys, we don’t have the tools to manage business and it has a feeling of helplessness in the face of this kind of situation. It can sometimes lead to tragedies that we know.” Mathieu nods approval, but confesses to being the same address of Guy Turcotte by police officers.

The pizza boxes are empty and it is dark outside. From, Francis me hanging in the corridor. “Hey, I want you to know that I wanted to have my children. I made them to see them grow up and be able to give them the tools that I have accumulated over time, tell them the mistakes I have made in order to avoid them. This is a parent.” Rolling towards the house, I think back to those angry men. Are they right? Were they wrong? A few miles away, my children are sleeping soundly. And even if they made me angry often, I hope never to have to fight me for the privilege of spending time with them.

If you are a father and are having difficulties, you can communicate with Mark.

* The names are fictitious.