From love to ninast one step

2018-01-19 17:43

From love to ninast one step
“What’s wrong with me? Why in relationships I have a full horror or total zero? Many times I’ve started, a confidence – here it is. Meetings, calls, closer, sex and… all decreasing — cooling, irritation, quarrels, divorce. Over and over again. What to do?”

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If schematically, here is what I asked the psychologist more often. Plus minus kids, beatings, and property division. But the essence of the question one – why relationships invariably end, leaving a bad aftertaste?

Let’s see what happens, again schematically, the details of each can demooratic from your experience.

The act first. The beginning of a relationship

Usually this idyllic period is accompanied by love and a kind of euphoria. All this takes about three months and is characterized by a complete lack of critical thinking in relation to “object”. Love sees no real partner, and his perfect image. That is, the manifestations and actions that previously you wouldn’t have noticed or would have noticed and frowned, there seems wonderful getting to what you need. “Oh, how much he can drink without getting drunk”, “Oh, how fearlessly he blows his nose in public!”

Or, for example, aggression, panic reaction, tension. Let’s say your new hobby is in conflict with a waiter in a cafe, arguing on the phone with her mother from time to time makes you notes and often asks “where are you going?”. Usually all you is alarming. And then suddenly starts to guess: “So he’s a real man!” Just macho. And imagination will not stop, she draws the battle scene and whispers, “This I’ll tear your mouth!” In reality, he really will tear but not for you, and you. Because the soup is cold and the Burger burnt.

Or perhaps you’re a guy and your girlfriend for the fifth time late on a date. And is late for about two hours. And when you sit around on the couch, it can blow up, go into another room and an hour there talking on the phone. While people behaving provocatively, painted brightly, and choking so that you have watery eyes.

And that’s the moment when she starts with someone texting, hiding the phone under the table, your love reaches its peak. The combination of the color of her lipstick, eye shadow, blush and suffocating smell of perfume with notes of Jasmine sends only one signal – the Princess! No, a Queen!

After three months you start to ask yourself – why is she so busy that I can not be late? I suspect that you have it not one, notice that with makeup she’s exaggerating, but still constantly says, “puts” and “calls”…

Or perhaps you have accumulated excess energy source, tenderness, love and patience to people. You have not been in a relationship and you are happy to have that relationship just to be there. And when they become not very nice (partner rudely answers, bad comments about your friends or relatives, it leads to what you absolutely do not want to do unpleasant shock to you, ignores your requests…) — you try not to notice.

Act two. The first difficulty

Some when something in a partner they are not satisfied, come to mind a strange idea of the parent – “we can fix this”, “that’s something you need to work a little”, “my careful hands of the guy will not know”. Although they are not mothers to their children. Especially funny when in such a confident bride alcoholics. “With me he will not drink” — I have no doubt they are. And soon they begin to plump.

Men rescue and educators also occur. And it is also not a story about happiness in a relationship.

The problems started in bed, and this is a serious symptom. Although, everyone who comes to the psychologist about the relations that say that sex is not important. In General, submitted, right? Went to the first conflict, the first sex of reconciliation, attempts to manipulate, the desire to insist on…

And what kind of thoughts come into your head during this period? And for example: “relationships are work”, “what happens in my life?”, “people lapped each other,” “we are all living people”, “life consists of compromises” and other nonsense. Do you recognize yourself?

But the more time passes, and you suddenly feel that you got all that you don’t live your life, everything happens the way you want. You finally see that only doing that to try to adapt to the partner and to avoid sharp corners in contact with them. Meanwhile, you densely covered the dissatisfaction, life, family and your role in the relationship.

Remember, said Valeria Novodvorskaya? “Compromise’ll catch up with you”.

Act III. The gap

The situation in the relationship is greatly complicated by the fact that a first holding emotions in their long accumulating discontent, then to loudly explode. And I cannot imagine how to live differently.

The explosion happens and there we go again: die and fall all of the claims in bulk, remembering that a month ago something happened that you just do not like”, the vindictive part, heartbreaking details, personal insults.

Then the thread go already absolutely other emotions and other thoughts: “we are strangers” and “where were my eyes” or “I have nothing to talk to her”, “the horror that in her head: fur, heels and buttons.” There is a feeling of loneliness, the feeling that there is no one close to you.

Another typical situation is like my wife – not that random, but still finds that she man is not alone, and we don’t even two.” Her reaction: “I believed him as himself”, “a betrayal that I cannot forgive you”.

But when you start to talk so betrayed wife as a patient, soon it becomes clear that treason was preceded by a family quarrel, the conflict, the weekly boycotts. That sex occurred against the backdrop of her feelings of resentment and humiliation and not more often than twice a month, no heat and warmth in communication, “about the prelude forgotten after the honeymoon”, “what socks does not relieve you laugh, and I snort, from marital duties have been trying to hang, and the head is not the only organ that serves as a justification of refusal”, etc.

From the point of view of a psychologist in such a setting, cheating is natural. And the wife says, “I understand, but such a betrayal!”

Or the person who used to publicly humiliate his wife, is in shock from the news that she’s three years sleeping with his best friend. Although there is nothing surprising. Unlike her husband, who is in crisis is just looking for someone to enjoy the woman of his treason says: “You insulted me, and this is my revenge”.

It would not have been — people who have recently soul in each other not chayali, called up five times a day, kissing more than talking, become strangers is the best case scenario. And at worst turn into enemies.

The penultimate act. Fear of parting

Of course, you may recall that from love to hatred one step. But I’m sure that in history, when you just love each other, and then BAM! and it all ended, the basis of this story is FEAR.

It does not happen, the relationship has deteriorated dramatically, at one point. Not have-VA-et. This is always preceded by small hints and skirmishes, large punctures and conflict. But a lack of understanding, surprise and more are on the rise.

And if not for the perpetual fear of complications, fear that the relationship will end, this could not happen. Because he felt discontent for the first time, you would have just said to the man: I don’t like it. And warned that if it happens again – the relationship is over.

If it is said in the moment when you love each other – there is a big chance that you are to each other and listen. And that love and desire to do something nice (and not to do bad) you and your partner will change something in their behavior.

To say “I don’t like this” it is better. If nothing changes, we have to get out of the relationship with the confidence that it is (was) not your man not your woman.

But if changing – to continue to live happily.

I have said many times that the couple has a chance only if the person lifts the lid of the toilet just because his wife asked him, and he loves her and doesn’t want to disappoint. And not because he was gritting his teeth decided to stay in the marriage and elementary afraid of scandals in the house. Or if a woman listens to her husband slurping hates it, but tolerates, because without a man to stay her before her friends uncomfortable. And to the neighbors. And my mother, of course. Unhealthy is motivation. Inevitably ends bad.

Again, the healthy behavior of self-confident people is straightforward and speak openly about what he likes and dislikes in the behaviour of the partner. And by the way, not only a partner, but now not about it.

The last act. Parting

When you are afraid of breaking up and just do what you’re trying to avoid, ignore, problems, pushed down his throat comments and requests and talk on the principle of “just war” — it’s very noticeable. And paradoxically – as a result this is the cause of the break. Your partner reads your fear and loves you less.

You demonstrate the behavior of the victim, acting like a rabbit that stood on their hind legs to the jaws of a boa constrictor. Your fear inevitably provokes the partner to disregard and, perhaps, aggression. It is inherent in man at the level of instinct. You know, like a dog – until you are afraid of her, she does not respect you. What is love, relationship, family without respect?

Fall in love with a person, like personality, respect for confidence and independence. And if all of this ceases to manifest what will keep the relationship? On the habit? How long?

Manual (same thing, only briefly)

1. Fall health

Rational arguments and critical thinking at the stage of love do not work.

2. When the eye will drop the veil, just don’t be afraid to “ruin everything”. Be yourself.

3. Say that you don’t like.

4. Don’t be afraid to leave if you said it and you heard.

5. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Do not be afraid that a love like this won’t happen again. If you’re a personality — free and independent – to meet his man. And you’re afraid you’ll lose someone you already met and fell in love.

And the reservation specifically for those who remain in marriage solely for children. If your partner in marriage is a good father, he will remain so after a divorce. Your relationship with him does not concern his relationship with the children – they will remain good in any case.

But if his father’s feelings depend on whether he married the second father and children flashed before my eyes from morning to night, moreover, to hold such is not necessary. To live in conflict, indifference or even hatred for the sake of maintaining appearances “full family” is a mistake, a trap, suffering and spouses, and most of all – the children themselves, FOR whom, supposedly, all about.