How men react to the denial of intimacy?
How men react to the denial of intimacy?
We used to think that men are less sensitive and that sex for them – just the discharge, therefore, the failure they are experiencing easier than women.
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Like really strong floor reacts to failure and how it affects relationships, says family therapist Sarah Murray hunter.
You had a wonderful day, and now you want to beloved (beloved) come home and you split the evening, which will end in the bedroom. You give yourself over to this experience, placing on the table the glasses and the candles, and then the bell rang. Your partner does not share playful plans and reports on a terrible day at work and terrible traffic jams. Almost drinks the proffered glass and falls on the sofa. All he wants is a pillow and the TV remote. Familiar picture, isn’t it?
Most of the women I interviewed talked about the fact that when they offer the man a closeness and be rejected it hurts the ego. However, they used to think that the same situation does not so acutely perceived by the other party. This misconception rests on two stereotypes, reports Rus.Media.
The stereotype of the first – men need sex to a greater extent in order to feel good physically, but the emotional connection they are not so important. And if a man is rejected, he suffers less, because of all that losing, is the impossibility of immediate sexual gratification.
The second stereotype – a strong half – the initiator of sexual contact and in this game always in the role of “attacker”. The woman acts as the “protector”, and refuse her in order. Thus, the person simply gets used to the fact that its requirements can be discarded.
Almost all men admitted that their self confidence has always suffered, when they for various reasons refused to reach
The reality is exactly the opposite. Hard to get used to the fact that you rejected. And as with men it happens more often, sometimes they suffer the most. I conducted a survey of men aged 30-60 years, with experience in long-term relationships or family life (over 14 years), and asked them about whether they have periods when attraction to the partner decreased or disappeared. Almost all confessed to me that their libido and sometimes the confidence has always suffered, when they for various reasons refused to have sex.
Here’s what I wrote my respondents:
“When you only offer making love, and you always answer “no”, though, and find plausible excuses, it first breaks, and then gradually leads to depression. You start to say to themselves: “Between you something was broken, and perhaps that you’re to blame”. (Michael, 32 years)
“If she doesn’t want you, it means she’s not interested. This touches on something very important inside of you. I feel I don’t need her. Maybe it’s actually not, but that’s what I feel.” (Mark 42)
Men perceive the denial of intimacy as a message: “my wife didn’t want me anymore”
In other words, men did not perceive failure as the unwillingness of the partner to make love right now. For them it meant: “my wife didn’t want me anymore”. All respondents talked about the fact that the regular denial of women affect their confidence in relationships and self-esteem.
Many remembered that the feeling of loneliness affected their libido, and they began to avoid physical relationships. “I’m usually a positive person, but when it comes to sex and you are constantly rejected, it is impossible to treat this with ease. Easier for the subject to put and not think about it”, – says Boris, 51.
The emotions men have described in different words, but they have always expressed one – to feel disadvantaged in pain. To be protected, many are beginning to do to avoid sex, apparently showing this aspect of life continues to interest. This is confirmed by the study psychologist Amy Mays of the University of Toronto (Canada).
The first two parts focuses on how well the partners read the signs that invite to sex and intimacy. Mace soon found an interesting pattern — there is something that unites men who ignored the nonverbal messages of their partners. She has conducted additional study, which was attended by couples who are in long-term relationships. Within three weeks all participants were asked to keep a diary of sexual activity and to rate the statement “I am afraid that the partner will reject me” on a seven-point scale, ranging from “I’m not very important” to “Me this is vitally important.”
When people feel insecure, while he stops to “hear” your partner
It turned out that in those days, when men were particularly worried about the fact that they refused, they are worse determined by signals of sexual interest that they would send friends. In other words, when for various reasons they feel insecure at the same time ceased to “hear” your partner, thereby giving up possible proximity.
It is natural that we may not want close whenever our partner in the mood. However during my practice I have seen how changing the relationship in a couple when the man starts talking about his feelings.
A woman hears that her words hurt a loved one much more than she ever imagined, and in turn becomes more attentive. Because instead thrown angrily “I’m tired and don’t want” you can embrace your partner with the words “let’s do it tomorrow” or “today Let’s just hug, I really want to feel you near.” You will be surprised how you win relationship, you only start to talk about it warmer and more tactful.